November 11

My mom went to heaven.

I have not known grief like this. It will take time.

I miss her terribly.

 November 8

Mom is sleeping, then awake long enough to take a little drink. Yesterday she kept saying, 

"Bye bye, bye bye." 

We were going to stay all night. Perhaps God had given her a word that He was coming to take her to heaven. But she slept, and we quietly walked out of her room.

Today while I was in Walmart it hit me that I wouldn't be buying her Christmas gifts this year. I had to stuff down tears.

But an extraordinary thing happened to me while I was in Walmart. People-strangers-smiled at me! When had that ever happened in Walmart? Almost never.

I decided it was because I no longer carry my guilt over my conflicted feelings and regrets about resentment towards my mom. It does not show on my face like it used to. I am being changed.

It is glorious, and in this sad time, I have Joy.

 

November 6

"For there is hope for a tree if it be cut down, that it will sprout again, and that its shoots will not cease. Though its root grow old in the earth, and its stump die in the soil, yet at the scent of water it will bud and put out branches like a young plant."  Job 14:7-9.

There is always hope.

When God seems silent, He is working still.

So perhaps you wonder why I am writing about such a personal heart breaking thing like my mom dying. How can I write when I hurt a hundred times a day? Why am I making a private part of my life out there for the world to see?

Because for much of my life I did not have a very good feeling about my mom. We hurt each other. There were years of misunderstanding-but yes, times of love that did keep us connected.

It took my mom to be in this condition to break my heart and give up the huge resentments and unforgiveness that always clouded my thoughts. That state of mind hardened my heart.

"yet at the scent of water..."

And I called myself a Christian...Yes, I believed, but I lived with "rooms" shut off from God. "Do not enter, I am hurt, I will hold onto this hurt."

But it only hurt me, and of course, my mom.

All this to say: thankfully the heart of stone has been removed. I have to give my stack of regrets to God, who hides them, takes them away-His Word says so.

Because I have repented- I have turned around.

So I write and publish a blog post to give you hope, maybe. If you even desire to be changed by God, He will do it. 

And my mom knows how much I love her.

Because I can truly tell her I do.

 November 3

I'm in her room, sitting close. She's sleeping. I can't awaken her. She's breathing steady, nice breaths.

The curtains are closed on a bright afternoon sun. The clock on her wall hasn't been set to the right time yet.

I think how that doesn't matter. Time is not counted where she is in her sleep, and it won't be counted where she is going when she takes her last breath.

I want to be in this room when that happens. I want to be sitting near her.

And tell her how very much I love her.

On a Wing

 When you are stripped of everything in life-the possessions you love, your clothing, the ability to walk, being able to communicate well; when you are at the mercy of others for all of your needs-the world becomes very meaningless. 

What doesn't matter at all:

The election

what day it is

grudges + offences

hopes + dreams

Because here you are in a hospital bed and you are facing a final day on earth.

That is my mom's reality. Right now.

I'm writing about it because I need to.

She had a third stroke- a bad one. She is on comfort care. I visit every day. Some days are better than others. When I can get her to sip the thickened drinks-it's a good day. Bad days are when she is sleeping and I count her breaths per minute.

The most important reason none of life's troubles or joys are meaningless to her is that she is waiting for Jesus to come and take her Home. 

There is nothing more important than knowing who God is and why on earth He loves us so much.

That thing in the back of your mind that creeps up to the front now and then and won't let you rest-that sin- that thing you know you did that was wrong. Well, Jesus died for that sin.

For all sin. For everyone.

You know what? Nothing else matters.

Ask Jesus into your heart.

He's real. And He loves you with a love that's impossible to contain in words.

He loves you.

Remember the important stuff that lasts.

 It's a hard and sometimes scary time we're in-for the world, but especially for this country. And I love my country very much.

But something concerns me. A lot.

We can get very caught up in disagreeing with each other and pushing our thoughts and beliefs about politics and the people running for president, that we ignore friendship, family love perhaps, or just plain good manners.

It's easy to get 'hot' over what was said by the candidates. 

Of course this stuff matters.

But it does not matter more than

friendship

love

good behavior

kindness

...

Don't let emotion control your behavior.

Or your speech.

(Painting by Debra Smith)

Oak & Owl, and journal entries...

 Writing from my journal, dated August16, 2024~

"For the past 3 days we have seen and heard geese flying. It is wonderful to hear that sound again-and I'm listening to it as I write.

How does this remind me and make me know that God loves me? I can't put it into words. But it does make me know His love for me. That's all-I know it.

I heard an Oriole this morning. Just a few calls, now either he's gone or just hanging around quietly."

From August 11, 2024~

"Morning, and I hear only a cardinal singing. A lone cricket sings off and on-it's cooler today and not humid, so the crickets aren't singing together.

What takes over the bird world that they all are quiet now? I miss the raucous jumble of voices. 

The quiet makes things look different."

******************

The scan of my artwork cut off some of the leaves...

I have used Prismacolor Premier pencils to do this work.